Ms Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

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Dear Counsellor,

I am father of two-year baby Maryam. Sometimes she doesn't understand my instructions. I used to hit her. Now she is afraid of me. Was I right or wrong? If I did wrong, what should I have done? Kamran Qureshi, Karachi

I would like to know how to make my two-year old son to listen to my instructions. He just doesn’t pay heads to my words! Pratiksha, Bahrain

Two years is a challenging age for parents.  However, hitting is never an effective disciplining technique. Children at this stage are ready to think independently and thus want to do things their way. It is actually very normal for children at this age to refuse to follow directions, push away and do the exact opposite of what is expected of them.

Some ways of making this phase a little easier to deal with are:

Avoid getting into a power struggle instead give him the appropriate amount of power i.e. if bed time is a battle time, you could put him in charge of bed time thus giving him power and still making sure he does what you want.

Try to make the activities a fun time so that they will be more open to following through.  Thus, if bath time is a struggle, try to see how you could play a game or have a toy to make it more interesting for the child.

Give your toddler choices rather than orders. For example if you are trying to get him to change his diaper you could offer a choice of room he wishes to change in.  However, keep in mind that your choices must be realistic and are not all too restrictive.

Take the child's "no" as a disagreement rather than disrespect.  Turn the power struggle into a win win situation.  Tell your child, "I know you don’t want to go to bed and that way you win, but I want to win too so can we figure a way that we can both win?"

Make sure that the requests you are making are reasonable and clearly state what it is you want him to do.  For example, telling your child "be good" is not indicative of the behaviours you want him to display, thus saying something like "stay close to me and do not touch anything on the shelves" is more descriptive of what is expected.

Remember to praise good behavior.  So catch your child sitting well or playing quietly and praise him for doing so to reinforce the behaviour.

You could also try behaviour management techniques like time-out and positive reinforcement discussed earlier for some parent queries.  These have been found to be effective with toddlers.  All the Best!

Dear Counsellor,

I have a seven year old son - who, not always, but occasionally out of anger, starts punching himself in the face. Is this something I should worry about. Should I take him for professional help? Eagerly await your reply. Thank you.  Michelle Foyster, Johannesburg, South Africa

It is worrisome when children hurt themselves. Since your son does this in anger, it is either his way of coping with his emotions or a way of getting what he wants.  However, in both cases the behaviour is unhealthy.

If it is the former, your son needs to learn better ways of anger management. If it is the latter ignoring his behaviour is probably your best bet.  Only when he realizes that hitting himself is not going to get him his way will he stop.  

Of course when you do this you have to ensure that the child is in no way endangering himself (which most often they do not).  However, if the behaviour still persists it would probably be advisable to seek the help of a counsellor in your area who will assess the situation and guide you appropriately.  All the Best!

Dear Counsellor,

My son is only 5 year old and he is so naughty he is not listening at all. He is intelligent. Sometimes he listens in class and other times, he doesn’t. Bharti, Dubai

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