Modern etiquette calls for politeness among colleagues

BONN - When French President Jacques Chirac kissed German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand recently, it was duly noted by reporters. There was a time when such a gesture was considered mannerly. These days it makes headlines.

“A hand kiss is not something you see everyday,” said Agnes Anna Jarosch, a manners expert in Bonn. 

Good manners, nevertheless, are valued just as they always have been. But men and women do not get far today on a simple set of rules of conduct. Instead they are expected to be much more attentive.

Holding the door for a female colleague is a nice gesture, and the same goes when a female colleague holds the door for a male colleague.

Mutual politeness is imperative

“In the workplace there is equality between men and women when it comes to politeness,” said Elisabeth Bonneau, an etiquette training from Freiburg.

While in the past men always took command, today there are criteria beyond gender that count. The person who arranges a meeting in a restaurant is the one who pays, and a lower-ranking employee defers to a higher-ranking employee. In these instances it does not matter whether the invited person is a man or a woman.

“But this doesn’t mean that the boss doesn’t have to hold the door for the employee with the loaded briefcase,” Bonneau said. Mutual politeness is imperative.

Despite clear rules, such as who should first extend a hand for a handshake, there are misunderstandings. There are typically problems when people of equal rank come together, for example when a boss invites a guest, said Mahena Stief, a business psychologist in Munich. Stief doesn’t think much of all-inclusive rules of conduct.

“Many people think that if they know 10 rules, they will get by,” Stief said. But it’s just not that simple.

Restraint is advisable

If someone stops in front of a door, he or she anticipates it will be opened. Someone who walks faster suddenly expects to be allowed to go first. Tactfulness is also required when men and women mix because even though special treatment officially has been eliminated for women in the workplace, it still occurs.

For example, a cavalier customer from the old school might have a problem with a female business partner who lets him go first, said Jarosch, who also is the editor of a German booklet on style and etiquette.

Not every woman has a problem with that.

“Many women are happy to see polite gestures,” said Lis Droste, an etiquette trainer in Frankfurt am Main. But in the workplace restraint is advisable, the experts say.

While in the office there are at least some rules, a general etiquette orientation often is missing in private life. It’s especially difficult when a man and woman don’t know each other well.  “The problem is many women want to be treated obligingly, but don’t send the right signals,” said Jarosch.

If she finds his attention unpleasant, she should signal it in a nice way, Jarosch said. For example, she can take off her coat herself.

“Then he sees that she doesn’t want his help,” she said. She could also say something like, ’Thank you. It’s easier to do it myself.’” In no case should she become snotty or rude because that would only make her look silly, Stief said.

Also the question of who pays can be settled before there’s an embarrassing situation at the table.

“An invitation should be clearly stated before the meal,” Droste advises. Should the guest wish to return the favour, he can suggest going for a drink after the meal at his expense.

DPA  

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