How a woman can change her man’s ‘bad habits’

HAMBURG - A woman has little chance of changing her man’s worst habits like leaving mountains of washing around, telling lies and not keeping promises, but there are ways and means, according to the experts.

“It is presumptuous and virtually impossible to re-educate your man. You can’t change a person,” says Regnar Beer, a marriage therapist at the University of Goettingen, Germany.

It is however different when it comes to “expressing your wishes”, she says.

Much of the friction between man and wife is the result of education and social traditions, according to psychologist Michael Thiel.

Girls get more training from early childhood in language and social skills while boys train aggressiveness and stamina, he argues.

“Mothers of boys prefer a young go-getter to a weakling, and rear him accordingly. The result often becomes obvious to the partner who has to endure hours of silence, postponement of doctors’ appointments and deliberate forgetting of phone calls to relatives and friends,” Thiel says.

But even when it comes to household offences like leaving socks around the house or avoiding a visit to the barber, harsh criticism only makes it worse.

“If you want to change your partner’s habits you should reflect on your own viewpoints,” says communications trainer Elisabeth Bonneau. ”It is unwise to place yourself above the other. You are not the mother or boss of your partner”.

Negotiating strategy

Far more effective than threats or accusations is a negotiating strategy, which runs something like this: “I love you and that is why I want to talk to you about something that will make our living together easier”.

In such a way the partner could be brought to think things over. It is best to avoid any form of generalisation, and to express feelings in the “I form”.

A good conflict culture is decisive,” Thiel argues. “Describe the habits of your partner, what you find disturbing and how this affects you,” the psychologist explains. “Tell him what your wishes are and what effect it has on you if he takes your wishes seriously.”

In a household dispute you could say: “Well now, you have not done the dishwashing once this week. It makes me angry and I feel exploited. I want you to do the washing at least twice a week. If you could do that, I would not feel like an exploited housewife.”

“The biggest influence on the partner is when the relationship is in order,” says motivational trainer Professor Julius Kuhl of the University of Osnabrueck, northern Germany. He recommends that couples talk to each other regularly at least two hours a week on what both have on their minds.

Marriage needs regular attention

“Like a car that needs a regular service, a marriage needs regular attention. It should not be left to when things are broken,” the professor says.

When it comes to rather harmless household problems like socks lying around, women could use their imagination and try out several strategies, according to Kuhl.

“You could say it directly or indirectly or with a wink of an eye or by taking the partner into your arms. Often a dispute is carried out with a narrow mind and a clear objective in mind. When it comes to power or who wins, disappointment is pre-programmed. Everybody rejects manipulation,” Kuhl points out.

Basic issues like who does what and where in the home or takes over what role in the rearing of children should be clearly defined, Elisabeth Bonneau recommends. “Each partner can first choose those chores which he/she likes to do. The rest can be shared or noted in a plan,” she says.

With recognition and the right timing, most men can be motivated to do things they don’t really like, says Michael Thiel. “When your husband comes home from work you should not immediately overload him with things. After completing a task many men expect to receive praise,” says Thiel.

When it comes to certain key issues it is best to accept the partner as he is. That applies for instance to the choice of clothing. “Changing the person according to one’s own ideal is the beginning of the end of every relationship. Love means thinking more of the other than of one’s self,” according to Thiel.

DPA

Photo courtesy: hartlandpublications.com