Many men like women who take the initiative in breaking the ice

HAMBURG - Women should assert themselves when a man who’s captured their attention leaves the asking up to them, recent research shows.

But despite liberalised dating customs, many women still have a hard time taking the first step. A study by the German Society for Consumer Research showed that more than half the single women surveyed would not speak to a man in public.

More than one-third believes that it’s not necessary for interesting singles to take the initiative and that only desperate women do so. That’s a mistake, as the answers given by the men questioned showed: two-thirds found it a good thing when a woman takes the first step.

German psychologist and flirting expert Stephan Landsiedel is convinced that it works best to approach interesting men.

“To begin with, men are pleasantly surprised to be spoken to by a woman,” he said. The reason is most men experience it seldom, and the attention is flattering.

Hamburg therapist Guido Wolf has observed a gradual chipping away of the rule that says a woman isn’t permitted openly to show any interest. Despite that, getting past the first sentence remains a hurdle.

“She would rather leave that to the man. Then it’s easier for her to pull out of the relationship,” said Landsiedel.

It can take a while for the man to recognize the signals. If he doesn’t catch the nuances in a woman’s glances, she should make her statement more clearly.

“A lot of men simply are not that sensitive,” Landsiedel said. When it comes to an attractive woman, men often don’t even consider the possibility that she could be single.

The best opportunities to strike up a conversation arise in certain situations. When the two individuals work together, there usually are ample opportunities for them to go to lunch together or to see each other during breaks, something that Landsiedel called ”innocuous.”

Grocery shopping also offers opportunities to talk with men. If an attractive male shopper takes a packet of coffee from the shelf, ask whether it’s a brand he would recommend. It’s flattering to many men when they are asked for advice.

The next hurdle is discovering whether the person is single. Those who don’t like to ask outright can discreetly prompt him or her to make a mention of a partner or family.

“Shortly before Christmas, ask how they plan to spend the holidays or New Year’s,” Landsiedel said. “Another way is to ask how they plan to spend the weekend or their holidays.”

No matter what kind of encounter, the important thing is to have good instincts. Many men would like to see more initiative from women, but those who exaggerate it can have end up driving men away. A group of big city single women between the ages of 20 and 30, for example, can be so intimidating that men shy away, Wolf said.

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