Joint activities reduce relationship stress as couples age

GERMANY - Life’s most pleasant phase can begin at retirement when couples find they suddenly have time to pursue their interests together.

But some couples face a different reality. Instead of having fun together, the wife suddenly finds herself micromanaged by a husband checking every cooking pot and offering efficiency tips for housecleaning. That can quickly lead to problems, meaning couples need to find ways of coping with their new proximity.

“The man, quite naturally, always thinks he’s helping to free up time in the household,” says psychotherapist Ulrike Ullmann.

But often this hurts more than it helps as his wife may feel her sovereign territory has been invaded, explains Ullmann, who directs Pro Familia’s marriage counselling offices in Karlsruhe.  

Be careful about intruding

“The pensioner is a king entering a queen’s realm,” says psychotherapist and marriage counsellor Traugott Schall in Detmold. The man should be careful not to intrude too much into her sphere. At the same time, the wife should make an effort to make her him feel welcome at home.

Men often find it hard to fill their free time with new activities. All of a sudden, they’re lacking a daily routine and identification with their work, says Ullmann. There are no longer external inputs” for the relationship.

This often leads to problems. More and more couples in their golden years are seeking marriage counselling to end crises, says Ullmann. Figures from the Federal Statistics Office in Wiesbaden, central Germany, show that few marriages end with the onset of retirement, but that divorce rates are climbing.

Whereas 259 couples between 65 and 70 years divorced in the last 10 years, the number climbed to 485 in 2003 and 645 one year later.

“The new level of proximity can bring a lot of unresolved issues to the table,” said Schall. Often one partner wants a lot more time together than the other does. Therefore, the retirement years mean couples need to find a new balance. So both partners need to consider which habits and rituals strengthen the relationship and which should be reconsidered.

“That means a lot of give-and-take,” says Ullmann. And it means couples should allow themselves up to a year to adjust. Schall says couples need to learn to use joint resources.”

“What did they enjoy doing together when they first got to know one another?”  

Common interests

Couples should try to focus on these common interests whether it means sports, reading, movies or going to the theatre, but there is no “right” activity.

“Some people like to go to the zoo together. Others prefer to take walks or to even attend soccer games,” says geriatric therapist Hartwig Wennemar of Marienheide in the German state of North Rhein Westfalia.

“Group activities are often good. Hiking, travelling or taking language courses to learn vocabulary together. Then they can pull together,” said Ullmann.

“Trips and parties that have to be planned together are also helpful. This way you can get closer and the joint experience creates new shared interests,” says Wennemar.

“Old love does not rust,” said Schall. “But it does have to be filled with life.”

Otherwise it ends in a scenario that plays out in cafes all the time, warns Wennemar.

“A lot of older couples like to go out with one another. But then they sit there and have nothing to say.”

DPA

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