New baby in the family

By Rachna Buxani, Counsellor, Delhi Private School, Sharjah

Akshay’s parents came to see me because he was constantly trying to mess up things at home in order to get their attention.  He would try to hit the new baby, not fulfill the responsibilities that he once would do so willingly, throw tantrums when things did not go his way and deliberately try and cause damage to property.

During the initial intake I found out that these behaviours had started after the arrival of Akshay’s little sister five months back.  Bringing a new baby into the family is a cause for celebration. However, the birth of a sibling may be a cause of stress for a young child. 

Undoubtedly the one time when behavioural problems peak among children is when a new baby arrives in the family.

When parents don’t make attempts to make their older children involved in taking care of the new child, they run the risk of having the older child feel that the attention he or she formerly received now belongs to the new baby. In order to get that attention back the child resorts to all sorts of negative attention seeking behaviours.

Involve the older child

The best thing a parent can do is to involve the older child in the expected arrival of the new baby and gain the child’s cooperation in helping care for the new infant.  Include the older child in shopping for the new baby, selecting a name, and preparing the room.  If the older child is mature enough show him or her how to bathe, dress, feed and diaper the new baby. Practice with a doll before the baby actually arrives. Your child’s involvement in the care for the new baby will help the in bringing about a positive relationship between the two.  Everything that your child is permitted to do for the new baby establishes a sense of trust in him or her which in turn helps increase self esteem and feelings of affection and attachment between the two siblings.

When the baby arrives home and the actual care begins, noticing and praising the older child for his or her attentiveness and cooperation can produce several advantages. This will help the older child get the desired attention and he or she would have no need to act out in order to seek it.  Also, in this way the child is getting attention for appropriate behaviour and the parent’s relationship with the older child is positive rather than negative.  Make sure you praise the older child’s helpfulness in front of friends, relatives and neighbors in order to raise the child’s feelings of self worth.

Mommy's special aide

Sometimes older children feel resentful towards their new brother or sister. In some cases, they even try to hurt or harm the infant.  If your child’s attitude seems resentful, a display of panic and anger towards him or her will merely increase the likelihood of further resentment of the infant. Rather you can tell your child, “You are mommy’s special helper, and we need to take good care of the baby.  Will you help me do that?”  Keep your voice calm, even though you are experiencing anything but that inside.

Sometimes children regress in certain areas like toileting and separation from mom for school due to the stress and anxiety they experience.  Be patient in helping them cope with the situation.  There is a tendency among parents to force the older child to become more independent after the arrival of the new baby.  Take it slow and do not place very high expectations on your child.

Spend time with the older chlid

In the rush of things do not forget to spend time with your older child.  You can put the baby in someone else’s care while you do that.  Spending time with your child will ensure he or she does not feel left out because of the new baby.  Tell your child that he or she is special and loved.  For instance, if bedtimes were always with mommy, don’t suddenly put daddy responsible for that.  Manage your time so that you can try to do the things for your older child that you used to before the arrival of the new baby.

Your role as a parent is crucial in your child’s understanding, accepting and forming an attachment with the new baby.  If you handle the situation with sensitivity and fairness the older child usually will react favorably to the arrival of the new born!

Photo courtesy: fotosearch.com

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She would be regularly writing on parenting issues on womenone.org and would be providing answers to readers' queries related to it.