Raising responsible children                                                

By Rachna Buxani, Counsellor, Delhi Private School, Sharjah 

Just the other day Mrs. Mack was in my office complaining about how Rachael her 15-year-old daughter doesn’t help out around the house at all. “She is old enough now, and needs to be taking care of her own stuff. She doesn’t clean her room, pick up her books or tidy her cupboard.  I just don’t know how to get her to be responsible,” explained a distressed Mrs. Mack.  Children’s failure to be responsible is the basis for family arguments in many homes.

One mistake parents often make is that they pamper their little ones right through their early years and suddenly one day when the child hits puberty he/she is expected to perform all the chores perfectly.  Chores should begin as soon as the child is a toddler with things like picking up their toys or choosing their clothes.  Children of four or five years of age have a natural desire to help.  Take advantage of this and give the child a chore to do that will not burden him/her.  Start with one chore and do not add another until the first one is done properly. Add chores slowly, building from simple ones to the more complex as the child grows older.

Realistic expectations

When involving a child in family chores it is important to instill the idea that everyone in the family has chores.  Dad takes out the trash.  Mom washes the clothes.  Your brother helps wash the dishes and you clear the table after dinner.  Parents can help children choose chores by making up a list of suitable chores, discussing it with the children and deciding who will be responsible for what chore the following week. 

It is also extremely important to be specific about what exactly constitutes a completed chore.  For example, if the child is expected to clean his/her room, make sure you explain what exactly constitutes a clean room. Posting a checklist in the child’s room and asking him/her to check off each chore as it is completed helps eliminate parents having to constantly remind their children about what they have to do.

Parents must bear in mind that before children can perform a task properly, they need to be shown what to do.  Too often, parents expect a child to do something without teaching him/her how to do it.  Irresponsible behavior is likely to occur when a child is asked to do something that he/she has not been adequately trained to do.  Also, parents need to be realistic in their expectations of the chore that they need performed.  Parents must understand that learning a new task takes time and the child may not be able to do it perfectly the first time.  

Consistent behavior and proper acknowledgement 

Always be consistent when expecting children to perform chores. Many parents excuse the child from chores because he/she is doing something ‘more important’.  For example, if the child has homework to complete but was told to clean up his/her room, the parent may let the child get by without cleaning the room, so as to not disturb the child.  This is when the parent must realize that there is no reason why the child cannot complete the homework and still be neat.  

The issue of chores often becomes the focus of a child’s rebellion.  Children may refuse to do chores or refuse to do them properly.  Wise parents know how to motivate their children.  The key is to discover what will prompt the child to do what is expected. Recognizing and praising the child when the task is accomplished can do this. Completed chores can be recognized by playing a special game, visiting a friend, choosing an evening meal, etc. 

Parents can also acknowledge their child doing something well by making statements like, “ How proud you must be of yourself for doing such a good job.”  This helps the child associate feeling good with acting properly.  Parents too often withhold recognition of the child until the job is done perfectly.  However, praising little improvements encourages the child to persevere. Be wary about criticizing the child if his/her performance is not ‘up to par’. This seldom helps and usually elicits undesirable behavior.

Chores help inculcate a sense of responsibility in the children, teach them how to cooperate and involve them in family life. Parents should give their children age-appropriate responsibilities as early on as possible. Your child will start by being a “perfect little helper” to a capable and conscientious adult!!

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She would be regularly writing on parenting issues on womenone.org and would be providing answers to readers' queries related to it.