Discouraging aggression in children

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

Sameer was constantly getting into fights on the playground with the other boys. The other day he slammed a boy’s hand at the door that left him with a fracture. The school authorities and the parents were in total dismay about how to handle the problem.

Aggression in a child is one of the most disconcerting issues a parent can face. At schools aggressive behaviour prompt more phone calls to parents than any other behaviour problem. 

Aggression in a young child may indicate an increased risk of future problems as well. In fact, young children who regularly engage in physical fights are three times more likely to be diagnosed later with a mental health problem than children who don’t. 

So, where does aggressive behaviour come from? One major source of such behavior is the way parents model such behaviour and treat their children. Parents, who threaten, yell, berate and beat their children as a measure of disciplining them often have children who deal with their frustration in the same way. Other factors that correlate highly to aggressive behaviour in children include TV violence, violent video games, movies, child maltreatment, unresponsive schooling and economic inequality.

Parents can help monitor and eliminate factors that influence aggressive behavior. The following are some suggestions for modifying your behaviour and your child’s environment to reduce aggressive behaviour in your child:

·    Model Good Anger Management Skills: Parents who model good anger management skills and who help children learn skills for dealing with anger feelings are much more likely to have children who are in control of their emotions.

·    Eliminate Physical Punishment, Yelling and Swearing as a Means of Disciplining Your Child:  Children who are most likely to be aggressive are the ones being subjected to the strongest punishment.  The act of spanking results in increased aggression among children.  Parents must in addition to discouraging bad behavior also focus on teaching appropriate behavior. Spanking does not teach the child anything instead the child might end up feeling like they have to hit every time they are angry.  Yelling and swearing seem to have the same effect on children as spanking. Thus, parents must monitor their use of yelling and swearing and eliminate using them in front of their children even if it is not directed at them.

·    Avoid Direct Confrontation: Some parent-child relationships seem to consist of one confrontation after the other. Each interaction escalates to a battle of the wills in a matter of minutes, often resulting in yelling, arguing, threats or physical aggression.  Aggressive children seem to thrive on confrontations. If you use confrontation to get your child to do or not to do something, your child will learn very quickly that he needs to do the same to have his needs met. Thus, direct confrontation is typically not effective and teaches your child behaviors that you most likely do not want him to display with you or with others.

·    Provide Appropriate Consequences for Aggressive Behavior:  Ignoring children’s negative behaviors or responding inappropriately may teach them that aggression works. Some parents arrange their lives and their children’s lives to avoid as many chances for aggression as possible. Children who are able to get their way by acting aggressive with no repercussions are actually being encouraged to be aggressive. Withholding privileges or being grounded for a specific time are some strategies that parents can use as consequences for aggressive behavior.

·    Restrict Violent Media, Games and Playmates: There is no more powerful media in the lives of our children than TV.  It is thus very important that we monitor how much time the child spends watching TV as well as what he watches.  You should also supervise the number of hours your child spends playing video games or computer games, especially those with violent content. The children your child is playing with can also influence aggressive behavior. Children should not be allowed to physically “work it out” when they have a disagreement. Teach your child and his friends effective conflict management.

·    Teach Your Child Ways to Cope With Frustration and Anger:  One helpful anger management skill is the use of a “competing response”, which is a behavior that is difficult to do when you are angry. Teach your child controlled breathing, counting to 100 or shooting baskets as a way to distract him and reduce his anger.

The key to dealing with an aggressive child is to remove the elements that contribute to the aggressive behavior and to teach the child alternate ways of coping with his anger and dealing with life’s challenges!!

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She writes regularly on parenting issues on womenone.or, and answers to readers' queries related to it.

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