Dealing with girl bullies

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

'Sugar and spice and all things nice' are words from a childhood nursery rhyme that attempts to idealise society’s vision of girls in terms of their femininity, personality and character. But ask any girl who has been the target of the female bully and she will most likely tell you: 'That couldn’t be farther from the truth!'

While girls are still the primary victims of familial abuse and violence, they are also fast becoming perpetrators of bully abuse. And often the targets of their abuse are other girls.  At times, female bullies can become just as physically abusive and violent as male bullies. They have been known to band together and physically assault both girls and boys. This topic will be discussed in two issues because of the importance and vast depth of information.

Girls who abuse other children are more covert. They use indirect, seemingly subtle, behind-the-back, manipulative tactics of abuse. They often engage in coercion, gossip, isolation tactics, backstabbing, verbal taunting, threats of aggression, character assassination and exclusion. Their abusive behavior is often more difficult for adults to ascertain and identify then the typical males behavior of physical aggression, harassment or threats of violence.  

Relational abuse

The motivation for girl bullies is also less related to gender stereotypes of bully abuse and more related to dominating social circles, maintaining popularity and appearance, controlling a peer group and having their power accepted by those students whom they call their friends. These are the reasons female bully abuse is often referred to as relational abuse.

The immediate effects of emotional and verbal abuse by girls are not always apparent because, unlike physical abuse, there may not be recognizable injuries or immediate identifiable repercussions of the bully’s behavior. But emotional and verbal abuse leaves injuries that can often last a lifetime, leaving permanent marks upon a girls developing sense of self. Some girls report that social ostracism, ridicule, belittlement and constant criticism can hurt more - and for a longer time- than a simple slap to the face. Because girls are socialized to “fit in” and be “popular”, they often will put up with abuse by female bullies rather than report it or ask for help.

It is important to remember that people who abuse seldom “grow out” of these destructive, aggressive and violent behaviors unless meaningful intervention takes place. One of the positive outcomes of studies with adolescent offenders is that early therapeutic intervention shows promise in preventing more destructive patterns later in life.  

Factors that contribute

Among the emerging factors that contribute to girls becoming perpetrators of bully abuse:

THE MEDIA. There is no denying the impact the media have had and will continue to have upon this generation of children, given the ever-increasing hours children spend in front of the children and the lack of supervision within the home (often due to multiple reasons), children are inundated with potentially negative images and see only a few positive role models among the media stars they idolize.

While not only the source of learning, the media do have an influence on how girls view themselves, each other, their relationships and their developing values.

CULTURAL CHANGES AND NEW EXPECTATIONS. When girls abuse other girls, one of the underlying factors is competition- for friends, for attention, for compliments or for control. This competition can be fierce when girls make the transition from grade school to middle school and then from middle school to high school. Bully abuse by both boys and girls can increase during this period of dramatic and rapid change. This is a destabilizing time for kids. Not only are they moving into a new physical location, they are also moving into another stage of adolescent development and moving away from what has been familiar. These changes and new expectations can trigger competition in some girls, causing them to become more aggressive in their behavior toward friends and peers in an attempt to control what feels beyond their control.

A LACK OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS. Contrary to the stereotype that “girls are the ones who understand relationships,” they do not naturally know how to resolve conflicts and differences.  Talking to their girl friends about what they are feeling or thinking, how they are changing during this critical stage of development or what they may need from each other is not a natural process for most girls at this age. But girls need these skills to make a healthy passage from puberty through adolescence and into young adulthood.

OVER-RIDING DESIRE TO FIT IN. Girls have a fear of expressing their individual uniqueness and personal preferences because of their overriding desire to fit in and be accepted by their friends. Adolescence is a time of exploration and emerging identity, but both the exploration and the emergence are thwarted when girls aren’t supported or encouraged to express their differences, appreciate their uniqueness and examine interests that may not appeal to their friends. Often girls are unable to express their true selves because of a dual sense of loss stemming from no longer being able to full explore who they might be today or next year. They feel they cant say what they know, so they tend to become silent or outraged- quiet and mean. As girls get caught in this emotional and social spiral they can become more angry, frustrated, aggressive and violent.

FAMILY ABUSE. There is a significant group of girls who perpetrate bully abuse because of abuse within their families. This abuse is either directed toward them by their parents or as the parent directs the abuse toward another child. While abuse affects a child’s development in several ways, one of the more pervasive outcomes is a lack of information about emotions and healthy expression of anger. Another aspect of family abuse is that children do not learn about compassionate behavior toward others. Abuse confuses many aspects of life, but it can particularly distort what a healthy relationship looks like and how to treat others with whom you have a relationship.

     INTERVENTIONS FOR GIRLS WHO COMMIT BULLY ABUSE

• It is important to have a component that helps girls to identify changes in friendships that are a natural and healthy part of life.
• Girls also benefit from learning how to express anger in a healthy, direct and straightforward manner rather than in ways that are aggressive or passive- aggressive.
• Consciousness- raising, where the focus is on finding the common background, history and rights that all girls share in our society, is also effective. Our culture still has a difficult time accepting that girls do feel angry or that there are times when anger is a healthy and connected emotion to what is occurring in their lives.
• Finally, it is particularly meaningful to encourage girls to challenge (instead of tolerate) the stereotypes, pressures and narrow definition of what it means to be a girl at each stage of their development.

Giving girls the message that they do not have to sacrifice themselves to have superficial friendships with other girls or relationships with boys will help them gain confidence and develop strong identity that will prepare them for future once they leave the school. Both boys and girls benefit when they learn the stereotypes are narrow and seldom based on genuine information, and that change is a natural part of life that brings new opportunities, not just loss. Allowing, teaching and providing a forum for expressing their feelings and asking their questions is often what they need during the turbulent years of passage from childhood to adolescence and beyond.

Photo courtesy: justsaying.co.uk 

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She would be regularly writing on parenting issues on womenone.org and would be providing answers to readers' queries related to it.