Dads and Daughters

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

Recently we conducted a workshop at school on ‘Understanding your Adolescent’ for parents of teenagers. Our guest speaker for the evening, a renowned Psychologist, covered all the topics relating to understanding teenagers very competently. One issue that was raised by more than one parent was that of the role a father plays in the life of his daughter. The relationship between a dad and his daughter conjures up a combination of the warmest, most special emotions and feelings of sweetness and love.

However, during adolescence many fathers take a back seat not sure how to deal with the emotional and physical changes of their girls. Dads find it difficult to understand their growing girls since all they know is how they grew up to be a man. They are not sure of how it is to be a girl!  Nevertheless, one of the most important things that a dad can teach his daughter is just that…the differences between boys and girls. 

Communication

For teenage boys, life is full of uncertainty and confusion about girls, mystery and excitement about falling in love, moments of embarrassment or courage, and touching memories. Dads should share memories, tell stories, because it gives daughters valuable insight into the world of boys and relationships. This is perspective nobody else can share quite the way a father can. 

What you as dads need to remember is that the most important gift that you could give your daughters is of LISTENING.  You need to take what your girls are feeling and saying seriously and to see them as people. If you don’t do that they feel invalidated. Too many times dads want to quickly “fix” problems. And if your little girl is in pain, “fixing” things may seem like a logical thing to want to do. But that can work against what you are trying to achieve – which is to build trust and openness in the relationship and to support her and help her grow. In situations when your daughters are upset, ask them what they want from you i.e. do they want you to just listen, or are they asking for your advice.

'Hero worship'

Most daughters ‘hero worship’ their dads.  What dad says and how he acts in many instances dictates how she would end up feeling about herself. From Dad, little girls gain their first reflection of themselves as a female. They develop a sense of acceptance or non-acceptance; they feel valued or discounted. When fathers are authoritative, rigidly set rules, are excessively critical and all-powerful girls find it difficult to build a healthy self-esteem. If a father is fair and listens to his daughter's thoughts, she will gain self-confidence and pride in her own opinion. When daughters learn to communicate with their fathers, and trust that their opinion will count, they can develop self-assuredness, which will allow them to be assertive and stand up for themselves.

Also, fathers are the first male that a girl knows, and the relationship with him sets the tone for her relationship with any man in the future. Daughters learn about marriage from watching Mom and Dad. If parents treat each other well, this becomes a daughter’s expectation from her own marriage. However, if Dad is a dictator, then men are regarded as essentially bad and if he is an alcoholic or is abusive, men are considered to be people who are permitted to get out of control and be hurtful.  This would mean that your daughter would accept this behavior in her relationships.

Fathers have a big responsibility of ensuring a healthy self-image in their daughters as well as helping her build and maintain meaningful relationships in her life. Some of the most meaningful moments in a daughter's life are spent with her darling daddy. Fathers must make a conscious effort to be an effective parent – and to experience the real fruits of this wonderful relationship.

Photo courtesy: img.drlaura.com, dadstoday.com

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She writes regularly on parenting issues on womenone.or, and answers to readers' queries related to it.

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Readers respond

It is nice to read the article about the 'Dads and Daughters'. I feel the relationship between Dad and Daughter or should I say between parents and children, totally rely upon the faith of the parents on the children’s views. When the children feel that their views and opinions are well taken care they also come close to parents. Especially in teenage all the children think they are always right and their parents are always wrong. 

If parents take the views of their children and justify why that is right and wrong rather than simply saying  'No' to any decision, the communication gap will reduce. Anyways these issues shall be discussed more in the public forum to understand other parent's views. 

Regards, Jayanta Kumar De

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I am very inspired after reading your article. I am a dad having two daughters and I wish to learn as many as possible the general ways to deal with my baby girls. I wish them to play a successful role in their lives. Kindly send some more reading on this topic. 

Thank you, Muhammad Tariq

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This is excellent. I liked the topic though I am unmarried. This gives a good insight into the father-daughter relationship. I think there should be something similar or different between mom and son relationship too.

Best Regards, C. Shyam

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