Disciplining your child effectively – part 2

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

One of the most successful discipline strategies is Time-Out. Here are some of the do’s and don’ts about giving your child an effective time-out.  One of the most frequently discussed and used forms of discipline is the time-out, or removing the child from pleasurable interactions and experiences.

Time-out is truly effective when it removes a child from an enriched environment filled with positive feedback that the child enjoys and doesn’t want to leave. The range of ages for which time out is now recommended goes from about 18 months to at least 8 or 9 years of age.

Children learn several things from time-out. They learn that their misbehavior results in a negative consequence, that they would rather be having a good time than sitting in time-out, and that they don’t get to enjoy positive reactions with others when in time-out. Time-out can also help children build their self-quieting skills if done correctly and a child is required to be quiet and calm before ending the time-out.

Time-out How To?

Time-out simply means removing your child from whatever she is doing wrong and placing her elsewhere. You may accompany this by a short statement such as, “time-out, hitting.” If she hits again, then give her another time-out. She’ll soon learn that when she misbehaves, she is removed from the area of fun and required to miss out on the interactions and activities of the household.

As soon as she is quiet for 1-3 minutes, go back, pick her up and take her back to where the action is. It is far more important that your child learn to clam down in time-out then to worry about how many minutes time out lasted. It is crucial that you always wait for your child to be quiet before allowing her to get up from time-out. Never let a crying child out of time-out. While the child is in the chair, no one should be allowed to speak to her or interact with her in any way, not even to remind her about the rules for getting out of the chair.

This can be difficult for parents if the child engages in negative behaviors during time-out. Do your best to ignore behaviors that occur during time-out, understanding that this does not mean you approve of them but simply are following the rules of time-out. 

When time-out is over

Once your child is quiet and relaxed, go over to her, place your hand gently on her back, and tell her that it is now all right to get up. If she says “no” cries again, or looks at the floor angrily, the time-out starts over again. You can tell her that it has started over, but you don’t necessarily have to make an announcement to that effect, just start the time-out over again.

Some children will try very hard to make you think that going to time-out doesn’t bother them a bit. That is fine; just let them sit there looking as if they enjoy it- they don’t like being in time-out. But if children can convince their parents that it doesn’t bother them, perhaps they think they can get their parents to switch to something that isn’t nearly as effective. 

Where to do time-out

So where should time-out take place? Its best to select a place where the child can see that you are calmly going about your business. You also want him to be able to be able to see what he’s missing, so select a place where he is not pat of what is going on in the house but can hear or see the rest of the family engage in pleasurable activities. Be sure your child cannot see the TV and does not have access to handheld video games, books or other enjoyable activities.

I do not recommend placing your child facing a corner or in a bathroom or closet. These places can be scary for children. Can you use your child’s room for time-out? Sure, but just make sure you have prepared her bedroom first. It is important that there is no TV, phone or computer in her room. To send your child to her room for time-out and expect her to not turn the TV on or not play with the computer will probably just cause you more frustration. 

When your child refuses to go to the time-out location or will not be quiet- there are a few things you can do:

Be sure your not warning your child before sending him to time-out.

All adults who are responsible for disciplining your child at home should be using time-out. You should agree when and for what behaviors you send your child to time-out.

To maximize the effectiveness of time-out, you must make the rest of the day pleasant for your child. Remember to let your child know when she is well behaved – don’t take good behavior for granted.

When you first begin using time-out, your child may act as though time-out is a game. He may put himself in time-out or ask to go there, If this happens, give your child what he wants- send him to time-out and require that he be quiet before time-out is over. He will soon learn that time-out is not a game.

You may feel the need to punish your child for doing something inappropriate during the time-out. However, it is very important to ignore your child when she behaves badly during a time-out.

Leaving the TV or radio on during time-out can make it more tolerable. Try to minimize such distractions.

Be certain that your child is aware, that rules, if broken will result in time-out

Make sure that time-outs are occurring in the context of teaching your child the appropriate behavior that you would prefer he exhibit. You need to be modeling the appropriate behavior, encouraging your child to engage in appropriate behavior.

If you find that you are using time-out for the same behavior over and over again, find a peaceful time, perhaps during a family meeting, to discuss both the appropriate and inappropriate behavior with your child.

When assessing whether time-out is effective with your child, look for a decrease in the behaviors for which she is being sent to time out.

The third and final part of this article will identify some other alternative disciplining strategies.

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She writes regularly on parenting issues on womenone.org, and answers to readers' queries related to it.

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