Parents that fight

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

Little Jasmine came to me one morning trembling with fear.  When asked about what had made her so scared the 8-year old related the previous night’s happening of a display of violent outbursts and explosive anger by her parents towards each other. Every couple will agree that marriage is no bed of roses and has its share of ups and downs.  

However, many times parents forget that their aggressive acts and abusive behaviours not only affect the two of them but also their children. 

Each day, countless kids arrive at school having witnessed such antisocial acts from family members. This has a significant affect on the child’s behavior and performance. Children living in homes full of aggression often display poor academic skills. 

These kids are not tuned into the learning process.  They have no motivation to learn because they have little hope for the future.  In addition to this, children caught in a cycle of family anger lack social skills and develop a low self-esteem and depression. 

  Under stress these kids may regress to an earlier stage and thus are immature often lacking impulse control.  Sometimes to repress feelings these kids may make themselves insensitive thus making it difficult for them to be empathetic to others feelings.

 With no positive role models these children are often unable to deal appropriately with their own anger resulting in aggressive acts and violence towards peers.

Parents have to learn to express their anger and frustration in private and in ways that do not have a negative affect on their children.  Here are some pointers to keep in mind when the going gets rough:

·    Learn to read the anger signals and immediately engage in relaxation techniques like deep breathing or calm-down counting. 

·    When you are calm try and figure out the real reason behind your frustrations. Are you feeling stressed, neglected or tired.  When you’ve figured the reason out try and deal with it in a healthy way.

·    Develop a conflict management plan.  Explore the problematic situations and work together to generate possible solutions.  Try not to lay blame on your spouse.  Sort the matter out amicably.

·    When in a fight avoid name-calling, threatening, door slamming etc.

·    If you have issues to resolve with your spouse wait until the kids are asleep and then do so.

·    If you end up having an argument in front of the children make sure you explain to them later that you were upset and that it had nothing to do with them. Let them know that although daddy and mommy have had a fight it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other or them.

·    Talk to the kids about how you may have during your argument said things that you do not mean.

·    Children are very observant and sensitive. They pick up on tensions and undercurrents but are not very good at identifying the cause. When they hear raised voices and slammed doors they can't help but question, "Is it me?" Clarify to your kids that the fight was not their fault.

·    Explain to the children that the way you handled your anger was wrong and talk about the more healthy ways to do so.

There is no doubt that children who are caught in the cycle of family anger are victims and may present their family experiences in their school and other settings.  Your child’s life revolves around you and they look to you for security and comfort. 

Rumbling fights between the parents leave the children feeling insecure and unsure. So, before you have the next raging battle with your spouse pause for a moment and think of the effect it will have on your little angels!!

Photo courtesy: kidshealth.org

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She writes regularly on parenting issues on womenone.or, and answers to readers' queries related to it.

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