Teens who don't conform to general gender norms

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

Mrs. Anju Carvalho was extremely worried about her 9-year-old daughter who was interested in mostly what she labeled as 'boy activities'.  'She doesn’t like playing with dolls like her friends and nor does she like any of the other girly stuff like pretty dresses and clips.  All she wants to do is play baseball and dress up in shorts and a t-shirt.  Why can’t she be more like her friends who are so much more feminine! ' claimed Mrs. Carvalho.   

Most parents agree with psychologists who claim that being strictly masculine or feminine is not the best way for someone to be.  The most important thing is that we should want our children regardless of whether they are girls or boys, to be assertive and affectionate, perceptive and analytic. 

Nevertheless, many parents are worried when their child engages in what is still considered “cross gender” behaviour. A father worries about his son wanting to wear a pink shirt.  A mother is troubled because her daughter refuses to wear dresses and wants to play with cars.  

How serious is any of this? 

Psychologists believe that all of us are born with a tendency toward certain temperaments.  Temperaments predispose us to enjoy some activities more than others. 

Parents sometimes think of temperaments as being strictly gender related and gear childrearing toward fostering different expectations for girls and boys.  

For example, many girls enjoy the noise and chaos of rough tumble and play.  If a girl likes to be physically active and enjoys rough games, parents may see her as ‘unfeminine’, when the issue is really that she has a temperament that responds to high levels of stimulation in the environment.  

Starting at preschool, children with atypical play preferences become distressed when they are told their preferences are unacceptable.  This distress increases with age as children begin to participate in the broader social context of school and develop a wider network of friends.  If parents accept and are comfortable with their child’s behavior, the child is less likely to experience distress. 

Tips for parents

So, how can parents deal with their children who are gender non-conformists? The following tips can be helpful when parenting such children:

• Don’t make your children feel bad about their temperamental style and interests. Accept that these might be different than yours. Don't make your child feel ashamed of his/her choices. Ask yourself: Whom is the child's behavior harming? Why am I so bothered or embarrassed by my child?
• Be cautious about turning your child's temperamental style into a sickness.  Your anxiety over his or her behavior may result in your child being anxious or depressed.
• Don't blame yourself. Your child's nonconforming preferences are not related to any specific things you have done.
• If there's a mismatch between your and child's temperament, acknowledge it to yourself and to the child. Try and reach a compromise in terms of shared activities. A boy who isn't interested in playing football might be interested in being taken to a football game by his father. There might be features of the event - game strategy, half-time performance, etc. that could appeal to him. A girl who doesn't like shopping for dresses might enjoy shopping with her mother for clothing that she does like.
• If your child is being teased at school, speak to his or her teachers and let them know that the child's gender nonconformity should not be viewed as wrong or a problem. Obtain the teachers' support in educating the other children to understand accept diversity of interests. This might not be easy, but it is your duty as a parent to help others respect your child.
• Talk with your child about the fact that the unusual behavior may be unfairly criticized and provide strategies for him or her to resist teasing.
• Model desirable behaviour. Most likely your kids will try to follow these behaviors.

But must important of all is to simply relax and love your children. By accepting your child as who he or she is, you will be modeling respect for personal choices.

Relax and love your child. Children thrive when they have strong and nurturing relationships with their parents. Remember you want your child to become a caring, productive, healthy and happy human being. Focusing on raising a masculine son or a feminine daughter can sometimes interfere with that goal.

 Photo courtesy: stchas.edu

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She writes regularly on parenting issues on womenone.or, and answers to readers' queries related to it.

Have something to say about the article? Say it here
 

*************