Children who hurt themselves

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

Cutting or slashing oneself to inflict injury on self… Regardless of what you call it, such self-injurious behaviour among adolescents is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

Princess Diana, Madonna and actress Marilyn Monroe have all used self-hurt as a way of dealing with deep emotional pain.  I was shocked to see Sneha’s hands when she first came to see me.  Every part of her tender hands had been slashed.  “I cut myself because it relieves me of the emotional pain of fighting with my parents,” explained Sneha. For her it seemed like the only option for blocking herself from the hurt that the skirmishing with her parents was causing. 

Although, self-injurious behaviour appears more prevalent these days, it’s not a new phenomenon.  Earlier seen primarily amongst individuals diagnosed with some psychological disorders, self-harming behaviour is now seen in healthy adolescents and young adults.  But, what exactly is self-harm? Self-harm involves inflicting injury or pain on one’s own body.  The most commonly identified form of self-injurious behaviour is characterized by self-cutting, burning or picking of the skin, and hair pulling. 

More common in women

Self-injury seems to be more common among women.  Individuals who self-harm are usually likeable, intelligent and functional.  At times of high stress, these people often report an inability to think, the presence of inexpressible rage, a sense of powerlessness and the inability to verbally express feelings. Consequently, cutting or hurting themselves in any way helps them dissociate from any tension and deal with the issues at hand. They numb or distract themselves from problems or feelings they cannot bear to face.

Often adolescents say that self-injury helps them to release unbearable tension, which may arise from anxiety, grief or anger. It puts their pain outside, where it feels easier to cope with. For others it relieves feelings of guilt or shame. Sometimes a teenager’s self-injury is a "cry for help", a way of showing that they have suffered and are in pain. Perhaps hurting themselves is a way of feeling "real" and alive, or having control over something in their lives.

The myths around it

What lies behind the distress may be painful experiences in childhood. They may have suffered neglect or abuse, or may have always been criticized or silenced, rather than supported and allowed to express their needs and feelings. Many teenagers who self-injure have lost parents early, or come from chaotic or violent families.

There are numerous myths that surround the issue of self-harm.  Individuals who self-harm are often accused of trying to gain attention.  However, this is not true. Self-injury is primarily about helping oneself cope with great pain. For some, it is a desperate attempt to show that something is really wrong, and attention should be paid to their distress.  Another myth is that self-mutilators are a danger to others. Although conversely, someone who self-injures only directs his/her hurt and anger at himself or herself, and not at others. Most would be appalled at the idea of hurting someone else. It is believed that self-injury is a failed suicide attempt.  However, self-injury is a way of carrying on with life, not of dying. Injuries are seldom life threatening. It is important to distinguish self-injury from a suicide attempt, so that its true meanings can be understood.

Call for help

There are some ways that you can help your teens if you know they are engaging in self-injurious behaviour.  Become educated about these behaviours.  Self-harm can be confusing both to those who participate in the behaviour as well as those who are looking at it from the outside.  The more you understand the phenomenon the better able you will be to intervene and help. 

Be patient.  It is imperative to understand that self-mutilators are making their best attempt at dealing with stress.  Self-harm for them is the only means of relief.  To remove the behaviour without replacing it with a healthier means of expression probably won’t be successful.  It is important to listen to the youngsters and provide options of better dealing with the stress like exercising, writing a journal, talking with someone close and trustworthy and meditating.

Encouragement

It takes a long time for a person to be ready to give up self-injury. Encourage them by acknowledging each small step as a major achievement. Examples of very valuable steps might be: putting off hurting themselves for a day or an hour; reducing the severity or frequency of the injuries even a little. In all cases more choice is being exercised and the "hold" of self-injury is being loosened.

Help them make sense of their self-injury. For example: ask when the self-injury started, and what was happening then. Explore how self-injury has helped the person to survive (physically and emotionally), in the past and now. Ask how they feel before they hurt themselves, and how they feel afterwards. Retrace with them the steps leading up to an incident of self-injury - the events, thoughts and feelings that led to it.

If these tips don’t help please don’t delay in getting your child professional help.  There are mental health professionals who specialize in the treatment of individuals who exhibit self-injurious behaviours and will be able to help your teen. 

Naturally, you may feel upset, shocked or angry when someone you care about hurts himself or herself. The most precious thing you can offer is acceptance and support. You have to assure them that you don’t think they are "bad" or "mad" for doing it. Regardless of whether it’s cutting or some other method of self-inflicted harm, children who self-injure need your support and understanding to deal with the problem at hand!!

Photo courtesy: abbhh.org

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She would be regularly writing on parenting issues on womenone.org and would be providing answers to readers' queries related to it.