Helping children cope with parent illness

By Rachna Buxani, Counselling Services Coordinator, GEMS group of schools

It is a very overwhelming situation for both the parent and the child when the parent is diagnosed with a serious illness. It is natural for families facing a new illness to be upset and worried about how they will deal with this crisis in their lives. For families of young children or adolescents, these concerns may be greater as they wonder how their children will cope with the uncertainty this diagnosis produces.  

Sheela came to me the other day very concerned over whether she should tell her 10-year-old daughter Deepti about her recent diagnosis of breast cancer.  She was not sure how Deepti would handle it and what would be the best way to bring up the matter with her. 

How a child reacts to a parent’s illness will depend a great deal upon how the parent and other adults who are close to the child deal with the crisis.  Many times parents in an attempt to shield their children from the pain of knowing about their diagnosis hide the truth from their children. 

However, inevitably children do sense that something is seriously wrong even if they don’t know what exactly it is.  If a child hears of a parent’s illness from an outsider, it will hurt the child more as it may shake the child’s trust in the parent. Children can cope much better with the crisis if they are allowed to understand and be involved in what is happening.  

Age is an important factor

A child’s age is an important factor to keep in mind when discussing the issue with him or her. The basic guideline is to tell the child the truth in such a way that it helps him or her understand and be prepared for any changes that are going to take place in the family. Young children below the age of 8 need not be given too detailed information. Children between the ages of 8 to 12 have an understanding about serious illnesses and their consequences. 

It is best therefore to be straightforward but sensitive with them.  All children need to be given information about the name of the illness, how it will be treated and how will their lives be affected by it.  Sometimes children end up blaming themselves for the parent’s illness.  This issue needs to be handled immediately reassuring the children that the illness has nothing to do with them. 

Teenagers are going through their own confusions and stresses.  Thus, the way they react to a parent’s illness may be more intense than others.  Also, since teenagers are trying to establish their independence they may have a difficulty in expressing their feelings and may react to this situation by being angry, irritable, moody, depressed and pretend that they are coping well when in fact inside they are feeling very scared. 

Give time

For teenagers it is best to give them time to deal with the pain, expect mood changes, encourage them to talk about their feelings, however, be open if they want to speak to someone else instead, let them know that you understand how difficult this is for them. 

It is also important for parents to be open about their feelings about this issue.  You can express to your children that you are also sad and hurt about the illness.  Parents must pick a time to speak to the child when they are feeling calm themselves.  

If the parent is feeling very distressed it might be a good idea to wait until his or her emotions are a bit under control before speaking to the child.  It is also helpful if both parents speak to the children together.  

Seek help if situation warrants

If at any time parent’s feel that their child is finding it extremely difficult to cope with your illness and is displaying an extreme behaviour change it can be useful to talk to the child’s school counselor or any other mental health professional who can work with your child to help him or her cope.

Since these people have experience with how other children have reacted to illness in the family, they may be able to offer a useful way of looking at the problem.

There is nothing more painful for a family than if one of the family members is diagnosed with a serious illness.  It is a big challenge for parents to help children cope with this trauma while dealing with their own uncertainties and fears. 

However, the love and support that family members provide each other can help get them deal with this testing time!

Rachna Buxani, with an M.Ed in School Counseling from Suffolk University in Boston and a B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Child and Youth from Eastern Connecticut State University, USA has specialised in Middle and High School Counseling. Rachna's expertise is in assessment and management of problems related to adolescence. She writes regularly on parenting issues on womenone.or, and answers to readers' queries related to it.

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